Dec 302006

Yesterday, we had a blogger meeting.
Then some of us went to music hall (Me,Charles Malek,Eve, Delirious,Jamal and his girlfriend Lynn, Ana min Beirut, Maya@NYC,Laila, Fouad, and 2 other people that I do not know), it was fun for most of it but for some reason my brain was fire, I was thinking all the time about what happened this year…
It was a very interesting year, one of the best and worse of my life at the same time. But it changed me entirely and I am grateful.
And no I am still a pervert but something more happened to me.
I had several thoughts in there, nothing bad…instead it was all good.
Someone in there reminded me of Someone else, she has the same attitude, same rebellious attitude that is… and I love that in women.This triggered a serious of thoughts…
For the last several years of my life, I was an anti social person, always embarrassed by my thoughts, I always knew I am different and it makes always irritated.
I used to be a total control freak, always hard on myself (I still am…), I always sought perfection
which made me fall into deep trouble; being a winner all the time, be outstanding all the time is impossible and it used to piss me off all the time specially that I was changing and discovering things about myself that I do not see in other people, things that bothered me, I just wanted to be like everyone else… I fell into deep depression for years in my life and the last few years where I was totally lost, without a purpose, my career was in the mud and didn’t know what to do…I became suicidal.
Why am I still here? because of 3 amazing women that entered my life: Lenia, Loraine and Zena.
the 3 of them have the same rebellious, free attitude :).
Lenia taught me how to lose, how to be less of a control freak…yep it worked…worked too much I guess :P.
Loraine backed me up with tenderness.
Zena backed me up with love and a hard slap to wake up.
all was good, the outcome is what you see now, a person who is too direct, too free and not ashamed of who he is (yeah the perverted part :P), it kinda freed me…
I moved from total depression and daily suicidal thoughts to total freedom of spirit, total contentment…in fact I hadn’t a single suicidal thoughts in months.
The change took years, not overnight Lenia and Loraine worked for a long time, sculpting and shaping me and Zena came to finish the job…
I just feel good about my life now, my career is on the move at last after 3 and a half years of standing idle, my shyness is totally gone (yeah I was totally shy, I couldn’t even talk to a girl a few years ago with babbling some incoherent mumble), and best of all I am totally different with my attitude towards other human beings, I can accept almost everything now…except stupidity (aka wars, sectarianism, racism, etc…), nothing can shock me or surprise me anymore…which is all good :).
yeah…thought were my thoughts yesterday at music hall, instead of dancing and jumping like I usually do.thus I was smiling seeing all those people dancing, and being funny made me happy :).Most of the people around me, I met once or twice before but I felt I really know them(hey they blog :P), I felt comfortable being around them which is good :).
I liked seeing all those Lebanese singing old Lebanese songs :), better than those new bullshit crappy lyrics light erotica songs.
Anyway enough babbling this was one post kind that will not be repeated ever again, but you should thank the 3 women for that… a few years ago declaring any kind of emotion was impossible for me :).
Cheers :).

 Posted by at 3:18 pm
Dec 292006

so I was watching that 70s show and at the end of it I was reading the cast and stuff and they showed the shows url ..
so I thought damn, shoo jeib el 7oss halla2?

 Posted by at 1:01 pm
Dec 292006

take most Lebanese living in Lebanon; spread them all over the world.
take most Lebanese living outside Lebanon; put them in Lebanon.

and I say most…not all.

 Posted by at 10:33 am
Dec 192006

I have been in Edinburgh for 3 months and a half now, and you know what? I got really relaxed pretty quickly to my less stressful lifestyle, stupid stuff that I have to take into account in lebanon are non existant here, stupid sectarianism, stupid politics, stupid traffic, stupid mentality, stupid showing off, I don’t miss them at all.
What a pity, Lebanon has the potential to be one of the best countries in the world, instead people just keep leaving it. What a disaster.
You know who stays in Lebanon?
1- People who are too poor to leave Lebanon.(aka not having enough money to pay for education outside)
2- People who are bound by their families and can’t leave Lebanon.
3- People who are corrupt and follow a certain leader who is providing them with on the side cash, and some power so they can live relaxed, corrupted and with an assholic attitude.

Other than that? people tend to leave to a stable country where they can work for what they are worth, live a relaxed life, have some decent services, and a potential good future (all non existant in lebanon).
Do I miss Lebanon? nope… not at all. I miss my family thought, and some of my friends…not all mind you. Some “friends”, not in the mood for them anymore, in the last few months I discovered how sectarian they are, and frankly I do not need such people around me.

I love Edinburgh, I love the scots, the city is beautiful, people are friendly, people are nice, life isn’t a permanent struggle in here… I just hope I find a job in here when I graduate, or at least find a job in a similar city.

 Posted by at 3:29 pm
Dec 132006

So here in Edinburgh, the christmas spirit is already everywhere, lights, shopping, cards, etc…
and toys a lot of toys…well not Christmas spirit, more like the “modern” spirit.
So with all this, I was trying to remember the earlier Christmas day that I could remember;
I remember at the time that me, my mother and brother were living(temporarly) in another country due to another war in lebanon and my father came to see us.On christmas morning, I woke up, ran to the living room to see a fully assembled toy train and track, it used to run on batteries and the cool thing smoke actually came out of it, (they don’t make toys like they used to…), anyway it was so much fun; since I was a kid I liked motorized vehicules.
But now, thinking about it…I just laugh.I was really fully capable at that age to assemble the track for the train, it wasn’t hard at all, so why did dad open up my present? why didn’t he wait for me so I open the present that he got me? you know… part of the pleasure is actually unwrapping the gift, so what I really think happened is… DAD WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE TRAIN TOO…
Come on, think about it… he was about 35, and this cool new toy that runs and smokes and makes noise…. I am almost 26 and if I see such a toy, I would really be playing with it :P.
Don’t ask…boys and toys… 😛 ….
when I go back home in 7 days, I am gonna face dad :P.
I wonder what he will say :P…

 Posted by at 9:32 pm
Dec 082006

I got tagged by charles malek.

  1. Grab the book closest to you.
  2. Open to page 123, scroll down to the 5th sentence
  3. Post the text of next 3 sentences on your blog
  4. Name of the book and the author
  5. Tag 3 People

Getting Started with Matlab 7: a quick introduction for scientists and engineers. by Rudra Pratar.
” C = [A b]; % form the augmented matrix
Cr = rref(C); % row reduce the augmented matrix
The last column of Cr is the solution x. You may like to use rref for checking homework solutions;it is not very useful for anything else.

So…I am a geek :P.
who to tag?? no clue…

 Posted by at 1:04 am
Dec 042006

… or what ever its called in english (for the lebs: Ikhraj el Kayd).
For all people who aren’t Lebanese, our ID has this fucking weird that habit that it includes our religion (well sect to be specific), and frankly it has nothing to do with me, I hate that people pass it from father to son like if its an object.
So I am asking the lebs in here, am I allowed to put “atheist” instead?
can I apply for it?

 Posted by at 10:04 pm