Dec 302006

Yesterday, we had a blogger meeting.
Then some of us went to music hall (Me,Charles Malek,Eve, Delirious,Jamal and his girlfriend Lynn, Ana min Beirut, Maya@NYC,Laila, Fouad, and 2 other people that I do not know), it was fun for most of it but for some reason my brain was fire, I was thinking all the time about what happened this year…
It was a very interesting year, one of the best and worse of my life at the same time. But it changed me entirely and I am grateful.
And no I am still a pervert but something more happened to me.
I had several thoughts in there, nothing bad…instead it was all good.
Someone in there reminded me of Someone else, she has the same attitude, same rebellious attitude that is… and I love that in women.This triggered a serious of thoughts…
For the last several years of my life, I was an anti social person, always embarrassed by my thoughts, I always knew I am different and it makes always irritated.
I used to be a total control freak, always hard on myself (I still am…), I always sought perfection
which made me fall into deep trouble; being a winner all the time, be outstanding all the time is impossible and it used to piss me off all the time specially that I was changing and discovering things about myself that I do not see in other people, things that bothered me, I just wanted to be like everyone else… I fell into deep depression for years in my life and the last few years where I was totally lost, without a purpose, my career was in the mud and didn’t know what to do…I became suicidal.
Why am I still here? because of 3 amazing women that entered my life: Lenia, Loraine and Zena.
the 3 of them have the same rebellious, free attitude :).
Lenia taught me how to lose, how to be less of a control freak…yep it worked…worked too much I guess :P.
Loraine backed me up with tenderness.
Zena backed me up with love and a hard slap to wake up.
all was good, the outcome is what you see now, a person who is too direct, too free and not ashamed of who he is (yeah the perverted part :P), it kinda freed me…
I moved from total depression and daily suicidal thoughts to total freedom of spirit, total contentment…in fact I hadn’t a single suicidal thoughts in months.
The change took years, not overnight Lenia and Loraine worked for a long time, sculpting and shaping me and Zena came to finish the job…
I just feel good about my life now, my career is on the move at last after 3 and a half years of standing idle, my shyness is totally gone (yeah I was totally shy, I couldn’t even talk to a girl a few years ago with babbling some incoherent mumble), and best of all I am totally different with my attitude towards other human beings, I can accept almost everything now…except stupidity (aka wars, sectarianism, racism, etc…), nothing can shock me or surprise me anymore…which is all good :).
yeah…thought were my thoughts yesterday at music hall, instead of dancing and jumping like I usually do.thus I was smiling seeing all those people dancing, and being funny made me happy :).Most of the people around me, I met once or twice before but I felt I really know them(hey they blog :P), I felt comfortable being around them which is good :).
I liked seeing all those Lebanese singing old Lebanese songs :), better than those new bullshit crappy lyrics light erotica songs.
Anyway enough babbling this was one post kind that will not be repeated ever again, but you should thank the 3 women for that… a few years ago declaring any kind of emotion was impossible for me :).
Cheers :).

 Posted by at 3:18 pm

  7 Responses to “Something Different: Confessions, Emotions and other non sexual non funny stuff…”

  1. πŸ˜‰ fi a7la min ino ykoun el wa7ad mere7 ma3 7alo?

  2. you mean merte7 πŸ˜›

  3. it was nice meeting you kodder. all those thoughts were running in your head as everyone was jumping around?:)

  4. yep yep πŸ™‚

  5. oh yeah merte7

  6. 3an jadd your head was crowded with all these thoughts while everyone else was jumping around?!

    Walla mannak hayyin πŸ™‚

  7. hehe πŸ˜›

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